22 January, 2007

Sleeping and Dreaming

I'm afraid.

There. I've said it. I'm afraid of:

1) Not having a real job.
2) Not being able to complete the basic tasks of the day.
3) The exhaustion I constantly feel.
4) Silence.

Tomorrow may be the last day that I ever teach in my own classroom. There will be no fanfare and I am already tired at the thought.

My friend Sharon Pearce told me that a very high percentage of people who are homeless were once unadopted children. My family has always felt illegitimate. Maybe that's why, at the end of every day of work, I always say, "I want to go home. But, there is no home." I feel home in Henry and Larry and I did with Karen. She said I made her feel like she had a home. She always said, "Let's go home." I have always thought I would end up homeless. But, for the cats, I would be, I'm sure.

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