Watching with my ears

Over the past two years, I've developed the peculiar habit of watching baseball games with my ears. No, I don't go to the ballpark with some sort of strange contraption on my head. When I go to the park, I use my eyes. When I am not at the park, however, I use my ears. I listen to the games on the radio, even on those rare occasions when the games are not on cable television. (I don't have cable.)

For a Yankees fan, that means listening to the games on WCBS-AM through the voices of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. If you've never heard them, then I should tell you that they sound, basically, like what your grandparents might sound like if they were both avid baseball fans. They finish each others' sentences, repeat rules about baseball as if they were rules to live by and switch from extreme disappointment to praise like...grandparents working with their grandchild on developing good manners. And underneath their overall affection for each other, there is an undercurrent of competition for who knows best. What this does for me is give me a feeling of intimate knowledge of the particular games because I am hearing them told to me like very exciting stories. Plus, that need to one-up each other means he and she repeat themselves a lot so that, if nothing else, he or she can add his or her own twist on the story which, of course, makes it entirely different to them, and just a little more scary or funny than the first time I heard it. Finally, they describe every move on the field in almost minute detail, like a Grimm's fairy tale and they add emotional responses to underscore each one.

Some rules to live by that they say, at least ten times in every four hour broadcast:
"Tssk. Those lead off walks will come back to bite you."
"You can throw as fast as you want, but if the ball is straight and flat, it's going to be hit."
"I don't understand why __________ doesn't come in and challenge the hitter. You have to throw strikes. You can't keep walking people."
"If you miss opportunities to score, you only have yourselves to blame."
"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it. I can't believe ____________ struck out so many times tonight. He has to do better than that if we are going to win ballgames."
"_________ contributes in many ways. His defense is terrific and he'll get his hits, too."
"___________ is as good as anyone in his position." (This one, my friend Sharon Pearce at www.outofthebullpen.mlblogs.com says is not really a complement because its not really saying he's better and it's not clear how good everyone else is in that position. Kind of like when you're grandparents say, "That's very nice.")

Things they repeat:
Suzyn Waldman tells us how fast the pitchers we are seeing throw, and Sterling repeats this about every hour when he is talking about the pitchers.
Waldman tells us what kind of balls the pitchers throw -- fastballs, curveballs, etc. and Sterling repeats it, as if she never said it and it's news about once an inning.

Things they try to one-up each other on:
What he or she thought of an umpire's call
Predictions for what the managers will do next
Gossip. Yesterday, after asking a reporter who was their guest on the broadcast what he thought of why Jason Giambi had come to watch the game in the clubhouse even though he is injured, Sterling revealed that HE had talked to Giambi separately and HE knew something we didn't that HE would tell us later.
Information on new players. Invariably, Waldman finds out info from coaches and scouts on new players which Sterling then claims he has heard, too.

They don't argue. They just disagree and get silent about it, under the guise of "agreeing to disagree" when it sounds like "and no dessert for you tonight." Then, Sterling changes the subject.

Things they describe in great detail
How the pitcher moves
How the batter moves
Where the players are in the field at almost every moment
How far a ball was hit
How close a foul ball was to being in-play
How each pitch, especially the ones that were hit, moved. This is especially grand because it is so precise. Typically, Waldman will say something like, "that ball broke, but it broke chest-high right over the plate" or "that sinker fell just before it hit the plate so that when ___ swung it was already too low for him to hit." Or, "Oh god, that was a mistake. He threw that ball up and it stayed up and didn't break like he was hoping it would so ________ just pulled back on his heels and wacked it." Sterling will usually concur like he thought that too, of course.

All of this is why I have listen to games. I guess, I feel like I'll have something to tell my grand-cats (the closest thing I'll come to grandchildren) about.