Fortunes and Other Wishes

For Karen Beth Hunter, November 23, 1951 – September 2, 2005

Fortune No. 1: “Fly over the Brooklyn Bridge.”

My friend Karen Hunter, who died one year ago, September 2, loved fortunes and psychics and all things deeply spiritual, especially music. It’s amazing how much I took for granted that her tender person would always be with me. I’d readily admit, and I still say that “she was like a little baby” – she folded, much like a fortune cookie, into a soft curve on her side when she fell asleep and her skin was cool and sensitive the way a cat’s or an infant’s is. I have never felt as comfortable using my hands to communicate calm, respect or love with anyone else. The paradox was that her tenderness was sustained in large part by surprise and by adventure, whether this meant perching 3000 feet above the city in her plane and photographing it, or just riding across the Brooklyn Bridge on her bike.

Fortune No. 2: “Never leave anything loving unsaid.”

Karen said it was a sin to deny your feelings. I regret the many times that pride stopped me from just admitting I needed her presence. To Karen, I say now things I wish I had said and will live to regret holding back:
1) I had fun with you no matter what we did, whether it was shopping, attempting to fill out those insane Medicaid billing forms or just sleeping on your shoulder.
2) I overate because I WAS afraid. You were right. I was just as afraid of any kind of commitment as you were.
3) I am sorry that I was bossy at the July 4th party. I was frenetic with jealousy.
4) I cried on your back while you were asleep because I did not want to go home to the cats, even though I said I did. Thursday morning, the day before you left me, I wanted to tell you that I desperately needed to find a way to work this out. I could not stand it. I should have brought the boys over more, like you had started to suggest, but I was afraid that you would eventually get bored with me and them. I was also afraid to be hopeful, and to some extent, to try. I had become bitter because I knew you needed more space and more chances to meet people before committing to me and, knowing that, I felt a bit hopeless. Which meant I overate more and continued to cry on your back.

Fortune No. 3: “You will fall in love with a ‘Righteous Dyke’”
Karen had an MA in Divinity and she loved to talk to people about their misconceptions of the Bible, particularly of Sodom and Gemorrah.
I defy anyone out there NOT to fall in love with someone who can STILL get all charged up while singing the gospel song, “This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let it Shine” and can out-argue a Bible-thumping phony. In fact, I think everyone should have the chance to fall in love with their very own “Righteous Dyke” metaphorical or actual. By the way, Karen had wanted to dress up as a minister (aka the “Righteous Dyke”) and march in the Dyke March in New York, handing out flyers which corrected popular misconceptions about the Bible. (For a good article on Sodom andGemorrah go to http://www.religioustolerance.org/miles01.htm )

Wish No. 1: That you were here, Karen.

Wish No. 2: That I had never, ever been dishonest with you about when I was impassioned or angry with you. You could see the slightest change in my feeling on my face, and I had no right not to articulate what I desperately needed to tell you.

Wish No. 3: That I could get Wish No. 1

(photo by Dan Heller.)