I was sitting at my computer this evening when I got the above as a text message. The same person had called me early in the morning to wish me a happy birthday, but had indicated this was a rough patch --or that this was not going to be a good day on his/her end of the text.
What would you think when you got that message?
It turns out my friend was spending much of the evening at the side of a hurt student. A noble thing -- there's no pay in it, just the respect you get for being there when no one else would.
Still the friend didn't give me any details of WHY he/she was at the hospital. I got answers to "Where are you?" But not "Why?" I didn't find out until this friend got home what had happened.
So the last hours of my birthday from about 8:00 on were a mix of worry, anger and confusion. When I called the hospital, they had never heard of this friend. Now what? Still no answer to why. Only where.
Was I meant to spend the evening along side the student, as well?
Maybe I should have. Maybe there is something long lost in me, a part of me that no longer jumps to the side of nearly anyone which was meant to be revived here. Maybe my fate was meant to change, but I backed away from the moral impetus which had been given to me.
But, I got angry and I cursed and cursed in various codes of text. I felt like this was a game.
And it was, to some degree. The message was meant to tell me not to text, in a way. "I'm too busy". It was just the kind of busy that is supposed to be a friend's business.
It was a suitable ending to the day, I suppose. After at first, understanding that I could choose my classes in which to "push-in" (assist), I was summarily told that I should have been doing nothing of the sort this week and should've just taught the classes I was assigned on my own. It would have been a far easier week had I done so. But, I guess I couldn't believe that I was supposed to wait. I thought I was supposed to find places to be useful.
Perhaps the biggest frustration I have had in the Dept. of Education is that I can never find just the right place to be. I can see a problem, but I can't solve it. There isn't funding, things aren't done that way or someone else simply has what seems like a better idea and sometimes is one.
It's just now in two instances in which I had previously been staring the minutes in the face with some confidence and ease, that I again walk a tightrope. I'm accursed for my not just waiting to be assigned when I was unclear that was happening. So, too, I am at fault for wanting clarification where it wasn't necessitated. Someone is trying to tell you they're busy, you don't go further.
It is, by far, the worst lesson of my existence, that sometimes you are not only not the center of attention, but you don't even matter as an individual. You are to remain silent when silence is given.
It's counter-intuitive and somewhere, I believe it's wrong.
Maybe the text message wasn't a note, but a forecast of 42. 41 has already begun a spiral in directions unknown.
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