for ATR's who want one...

It's been interesting that all of the recent writings about ATR agreements have referred to finding placements for those "ATR's who want one". Up until reading these, it had never occurred to me that there would be an ATR who wouldn't want a permanent position. Is the DOE implying that there is a place in the school-world for ATR's to just remain ATR's until retirement? Surely, the UFT is implying this in accepting this language in any compromise it enters into with the DOE -- provided that the UFT still means to provide job security to ALL of the ATR's, those who want positions and those who do not.

I am certainly an ATR who wants a position. In the ideal world, I would teach five English classes a day and be an active member of a school community. The longer I remain in a school, however, as a kind of itinerant figure, the more I become accustomed to the idea that I do not and will not be a permanent member of a community. Though I do not yet have the thick skin you need to manage this way, I expect to need to develop it. I do not treat the Teacher's lounge in my school as mine. When I do enter, it is to get a soda and I try to leave as quickly as I can. Unfailingly, when I have those confident days and engage in conversation and even follow up on issues related to my job, I regret it. At best, it's like being one of the many guest hosts on The Tonight Show during the Carson era and inquiring about whether the suggestion you made about where Ed McMahon should sit was ever tried; you're taking yourself way too seriously and not acknowledging the fact that NO ONE but Ed McMahon and Johnny Carson had any say in such matters. You're job is to be a guest host -- to fit into the program as best you can and leave it in the condition you found it. As an ATR, you're not even really even as good as a regular guest host who might be considered for the job once the host leaves. You won't be. You're not Jay Leno or David Letterman or Joan Rivers. You're David Brenner. That's right, David who? (Pictured above)

Disclaimer: I thought David Brenner was very funny and still remember that he was from Philadelphia and had a long nose. Nevertheless, unlike the indomitable Joan Rivers, he know lives in the same world as LP's, cassettes and Robert Klein.

Knowing that you are designated for oblivion brings an interesting tinge to daily activities. You walk the same halls as everyone else and you are expected to fulfill all of the duties you are assigned and to be immediately fluent in the lingo of the country. However, you won't get tapes to watch to prep you. You go on and figure it out as you go. The other day, I used the wrong terminology for what are called "Referral Forms" or "Pink Slips" in our school. I called it a report -- I pulled the appropriate word out of my brain quickly enough to be understood, but not before I was greeted with the kind of looks that are given to Americans speaking French in Paris. And I can't and don't blame the native residents -- they now have to contend with this person who doesn't even make sense handling some of their problems with students. About as much fun as watching The Tonight Show with a guest host and boring guests. They can't change the channel, though, and they have to put up with the students while they do it.

Worse, I've come off as a real idiot in conversations left and right. I've tried to be intelligent and literary when I'm sleepy and confused and, worst of all, desperate to be liked. There's no precedent or convention which has given me the ability to apologize, either, because I'm not a regular feature anywhere except during the periods in which I teach. Time passes and it's harder and harder to go up to someone and say, "remember that time I came up to you and tried to make sense about ..." They think you're weird, but they've forgotten why and they aren't going to remember. You're just going to seem weirder. There are all sorts of misunderstandings and signals you can't address like this. There are, at least, three people with whom I wish I could just apologize and start over. But, I'm not that important. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten it quite out of my head yet that all of this is temporary, that I'm just visiting at a place which is soon to be gone anyway. I want to make amends.

I know, I was supposed to be talking about GETTING USED to this condition.

P.S. A few hours after writing this, I did a Google search on David Brenner. Eerily, he and I have the same birthday, though he's 23 years older. Robert Klein's birthday is 4 days after that, and he's 25 years older.
I STAND CORRECTED. DAVID BRENNER WAS BORN IN 36 and so he is 32 years older and Klein was born in 42 is 26 years older. Mea Culpa. I always want these guys to be younger so I am more likely to meet them.