I made it through class today

Ironically, being an ATR has put me emotionally very much where I was when I began teaching 18 years ago. The energy/drive comes from getting to know the kids.

Today, I went to school -- arrived late. New discovery: after 7am, the B8 bus doesn't stop at where I pick it up if it is already full and two buses were.

Did my morning work as a Dean at Scanning. Then went up to teach my class with a lesson that was totally different from what I had spent the weekend planning because the printer I bought last night turned out to be defective. It went ok. I'm getting to know the kids a little better. The more I connect, the better I feel. (Understand, I've taught these kids three times because I was just handed the class recently.)

I had gotten beyond this stage -- this isn't necessarily the best place to teach from ultimately because sometimes you don't "connect" personally with a kid, but you reach him/her intellectually -- and the latter is your goal. Many lessons that reach kids intellectually are fairly mechanically logical, or game-like. That doesn't involve deep discussion.

For now, though, I'm reaching out and hoping they will reach back. Part of it is that I am teaching a course that involves music and poetry, two areas in which my tastes are radically different from theirs and I want them to trust me enough to take a look at things which are not what they usually listen to/read (Opera and Shakespeare, for one.) I want to have a reason to go see these people I care about. Again, that's not necessarily ultimately where you want to be. Sometimes, you might dislike your students passionately but you must teach them regardless (and according to one colleague, harder and with even more care, if you do know you hate them.) It will help me get to work and bypass some of the fear/focus on what will be the end of my career.

That is how it has always been: I focus on the fact that I am being helpful to the kids and even though I'm about to get my head cut off, it's all right. I think that's what everybody does.

So, I felt good leaving Tilden and then, there lurked in my mind the usual fears:

1) x didn't say hello to me: Am I now on her hit list?
2) Another dean told me that kids were cutting my class -- so I could call their parents. Is he documenting things somewhere? Am I being watched?
3) I got down to my post late again for 6th period because it takes me so long to pack up my music system. As it was, I left my power strip in the room. Is this being documented?
4) People were nice to me: Do they know something?

There are difficulties I have, too, just because I'm from such a different planet in so many ways. I mentioned to an incredibly nice and helpful teacher that the one place I knew of that consistently had an art program was Rikers Island and he was taken aback and insulted. He doesn't realize that, too me, that's an ordinary place. That I would work anywhere. That I actually had a good time teaching the students at Rikers.
I wasn't trying to insult him, but he's from a much more normal planet, where people believe that after years of experience they will go on to teach in warm and comfortable places. OR, one's closer to their choosing. I never expect to have a choice of where I work. I will work anywhere there are students. I really meant no harm. Will he understand that?

Each day the goal is to get through the day. That I am getting better at. The nights are still very hard.