Smell

I haven't really laughed for a while, except for a few moments during "Will and Grace." ( I watch the show in re-runs.) Grace walks in with a puppy she has surprised Will with, and he says, "Is that him?" She says, "No, it's veteran character actor Charles Durning." I read a really good article which said that "Will and Grace" makes fun of everything and implied that it has torn at what is sacred. I believe it is a bitter show and that it has a conservative bent. I hate the lesbian jokes. At the same time, it makes me laugh. I am similarly underutilizing my education and I see in "Will and Grace" a reflection of my acceptance of my own meaninglessness.

A few days ago, we had another plumbing calamity and mildew set in on a good percentage of my small wardrobe. (I mean it: I've paired down to five pairs of pants, a few shirts, two sweaters.) So, I went to K-Mart and bought more sweatshop cheap clothes. Much of my life these days is about chasing my own smell -- trying to shower when the heat is strong enough, and hoping my jacket airs out enough to be re-worn. Most of the time, I just barely make it. I carry around enough anti-this and that to be able to cover peat moss just in case.

I don't know if this is true in other parts of the world, but NYC public school children are particularly sensitive to smell. If you've sweat a little, they will cover their noses with their shirts as you talk to them. They will complain loudly about any scent other than flowers. They will remark about your body odor to your face. I don't mean just little kids -- any student in this system can't stand anything that remotely smells. My students bathe themselves in cocoa butter and various perfumes and colognes. Some of them smell like marijuana anyway, but they are always carrying around lotion so that, at the very least, their skin doesn't feel "ashy". My skin is very, very dry and always has been, but it would have never occurred to me to pull out a bottle of noxzema or baby oil to moisten it.

My students will stop a lesson IN WHICH THEY ARE PARTICIPATING to ask for body lotion.

Why?

Maybe it's just something they can do -- a luxury they can afford. But, why afford it? Why not carry around a dictionary. If you added up the money spent on lotion, would it equal the cost of several books? I don't know because I've never bought lotion. I have one vial of exfoliate and I have had it since last year. It was eight dollars and the thought of buying one such container on a regular basis makes me feel paralyzed. There's no justification for such vanity. Skin comes off when you wash, soap is fairly cheap. My dandruff shampoo (I SAID I was DRY skinned) costs something like thirteen dollars a bottle and I try to be sparing with it. What if I were to lose my job -- I don't want to expect to be able to afford to spend a regular sum of money on things which just make me feel better about walking around, when I can walk around just fine.

My students, on the other hand, wouldn't exchange their vanity for their education. Most people wouldn't, I'll bet. My uncle is a meticulous dresser, my colleagues buy jewels. I take too many cabs, but that is partially out of depression and more out of being very out of shape. I have a baseball cap fetish, but even that I don't take all that seriously. I buy about three books a month, as cheaply as I can. I remember my uncle thinking that I probably bought three books a year -- he postulated this when I was in tears because the post office had sent back the books I ordered which I could not get to pick up in time. He suggested that I pay for a more expensive postage method, since I didn't "do that every day." No, just every week or so.

But, I am reaching a point where I want to give away all of my books -- clear my apartment for me, the bed, the desk, the technical devices and the cats. I'll still buy books, but give them away.

I'm too exhausted most of the time to even reach the library and besides, I don't take good care of my books. Academic sloppyness is my vanity.

It's cheaper than lotion, still.