Loveless

This past week was like experiencing what someone might call, "twister" therapy. That is, if there was a school of analysis which believed in holding your feelings up to a funhouse mirror and watching you do everything you can not to look. There are periods of the day in which I have to ask permission to put my foot to the left or to the right. All I'm trying to do is walk somewhere rather than sit at my computer. I've had about as much "reflection in tranquility" as I can take. It's never good for grief to get my full attention, which it does when I am not thoroughly occupied.

On Wednesday, I was abruptly asked to dance, but not in any way I know how. When I team taught with Jonathan Levy, the reverence I felt came later -- I had no idea what I was doing until I was doing it. Now that I look back on myself I want to slap me. Traditionally, I fear people that I either
a) think are smarter than I am
b) think are better at something than I am
c) happen to be better looking than I am (and despite the weight, I don't concede that easily)
d) are absolutely on a different wavelength of accomplishment than I am. Have reached a place I won't ever begin to know.

I didn't know this about Jonathan until I'd already opened my mouth once. So, the precedent had been set.

Here I am in a similar position, but....I know. I really know that I'm superfluous, that I'm out-classed and that the purpose for my being in the classroom is really silly. I've been placed in a class to be a kind of mellow mediator. Some students like me and don't lash out at me quite the way others do. That doesn't make me a good teacher. I have the kind of face that is very hard for people to get angry with, and the wild eyes of John Belushi. It's an accident of fate that some kids who are nasty ease up around me.

And I give in, a lot. I'm playful in the worst comedic style. Sometimes it works. Twice last week, it didn't. So, not only was I superfluous, but not even that.

A friend told me I should be happy to be put to use at all, and I agree. There's an enormous amount I have to learn, so it would be fantastic if I could actually grow in this process. What I fear is that I will be trying so hard to be able to help that I will make things worse. I think that has already happened.

I feel a combination of embarassment and fear even trying to talk to my colleague about the lessons of the week. It's not my place, yet it's where I am.

And I am desperate to love -- and the connection with the students isn't there. For whatever reason, the curriculum which we are using doesn't give me room to engage them the way I am used to doing. Just having to teach anything I didn't choose alienates me. I'm not personally connected and I don't believe in it. It's not much of a point of connection to my colleague either. We're both following a system, she far better than I. It's like being assigned to work with the late John Dexter but on a project in which he has little input and in a language in which you are not fluent. What do you do but follow, wait and watch. I try to think ahead, but all I can really do is outline what I think is going on. I feel as if the curriculum I am using is in Latin. I took Latin and was passable, but can't do anything without a dictionary and lots of time.

Teaching has always been the one area in which I plan and yet am allowed to be spontaneous -- to create mid-sentence. To create with my students. To help them to create and to present their ideas. There's nobody in this curriculum. It fosters independence, but it doesn't, as far as I can see, bring the group together. I've spent my whole career pulling groups together. Teaching students to be part of something and be themselves. From my experience, they are very good at isolating themselves on their own. If they do independent reading in my room, why not just go home?

For that matter, if I am not going to be supportive muscle for my colleague, but rather a distraction, I'd sooner not be there. Especially when its someone whose work is meticulous, I cannot stomach the sloppiness of my indecision. There's no mark for me to hit. I am literally grasping at the air. You think I'm much of a calming influence in this state? No.

It only worked once when my colleague had set up several marks to hit because the students were behind. So I was free to work within the framework she created. When I tried to lead the lesson myself, I blew up faster than anything I have ever seen. I was overwhelmed. I had no mark.

All of this creates a feeling of lovelessness. When I have no good to give, I despise myself. And I wish to be despised. I made a jackass of myself in a meeting because I didn't want to be liked anymore. There is nothing laudable about me. In my mind, that makes me unworthy in all respects.